Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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