i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
