I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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