Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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