I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
