need another drink. this is the easiest way
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
