You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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