you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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