Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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