I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she told me i tasted like america
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
