You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
