I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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