Me. At least after what I've been through.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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