I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
