i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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