I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
