We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
