What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
