My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ketchup is God's man juice
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
