And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just gift wrapped bread.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
