what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
