it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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