in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
