So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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