I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
