I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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