i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
