We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
