You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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