Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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