I think my fart just growled at me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
