i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
