he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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