Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
