An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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