Will you blow on my dice?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
