You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
