doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
