I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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