Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
