Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Randomize
