how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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