OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and you said cock pushups were impossible
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
