i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
