I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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