No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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