A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
