Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
