Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
