Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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