she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
