Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
