when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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