Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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