Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
